- SweetMother ;)
- I love God!! I am a travelling RN working in labor & delivery. I have an AWESOME son & daughter in law and a brand new grandson! They will be fabulous parents because THEY are outstanding. I love the Seattle Seahawks...my favorite player hands down is Richard Sherman for a number of reasons. I love to draw portraits and I am dabbling with mixed media painting...I suppose I'm an artist! I love photography, but I'm a novice & am constantly practicing as I make my way through God's wonderful creation.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Is it Really Over?
BLACK...yes black is the color I need to use for this post's font.
I have so many questions...& I am just waiting for the answers. I know God answers in His own time. He tells us (as a friend reminded me recently) 'yes', 'no', 'not right now'....and we must be willing to wait. We must be ready to let Him make the decisions for us.
Some choices are definitely up to us to make...and He gives us the opportunity to make those. Sometimes, I tend to make choices while running on pure emotion. I get into defensive "attack" mode when I am hurt or scared....and especially when it has been a repetetive feeling and perpetual issue. My claws want to come out faster...the stay sharp. This is definitely not something I am proud of. I do not want to be emotional and dramatic and childlike. I seem to lose myself in my emotions and react, rather than be logical and just 'act'.
How, over all these years, all these wounds I have endured...and all the wounds I have inflicted, can this be the end? Now? Really? I have burned some bridges. I am forced to travel...I have to work or he won't be happy. This is the only work I can find. Things are looking perfect. He's planning to come up here one day...then he doesn't like the questions I'm asking him about his extra curricular life & how he would feel if I participated in the same things....so he says, "I'm done with you." & hangs up.
That's it? Really?
So in my state of 'freaked-outness' I am trying to reach him, to no avail. Over and over....he refuses to answer. He avoids my calls, my emails, my texts. Oh dear...my emotional self is starting to take over. I forget to pray and ask God to help me because I am blinded by that glaring question...
That's it? Seriously?
After almost 16 years? I'm the only one who makes mistakes? Really? So in my, "I'll show you" state of mind...If you're done with me, I'm done with you too. (defense mechanism....HATE it.) I'll remove the things that you 'need' that have my name attached to them. Electricity, Internet, Phone, Gas, Dish... you can get them yourself if you're "done with me."
WOW, the fallout has been amazing. He suddenly finds an interest in God. (This is a good thing, but now...all of the sudden...really?) He suddenly is hurt beyond belief & can't trust me not to 'do it again.' He has done "nothing at all wrong." I'm just increasingly more 'unstable' and he can't 'reason' with me. REALLY? I suppose it IS hard to reason with someone you refuse to speak to. I suppose I can see that. I know that all the 'fam', who have never liked me anyway, are a huge driving force behind it. Not to mention the friends from work...and the other 'haters' he has created. (with my help, I'm sure)
I WISH all of these people could have been a fly on the wall in my "home" during all the years leading up to this. I won't even begin to try to convince them that the man they think they know is SO NOT real. Only ONE other person was privy to the mental horrors flowing thru our "home" & he knows the REAL man. One thing I was really raked over the coals for was posting personal info on facebook. HA! I gurantee that he has not been chastised one single time for keeping the dirt on me up on his facebook wall. I immediately removed the stuff from mine... one of those things called being truly sorry for what I'd done. A concept foreign to him. (because, of course, he "does nothing wrong"...ever.)
I suppose if I was a little more 'fake' then I could have everyone fooled too. I can't be someone different in every different situation. I sorta have to just go with the flow & fallout of my "what you see is what you get" personality. I know it offends some. I don't mean to offend ppl, but it certainly does happen. I do try HARD to make ammends when I realize that I've offended someone. I just think that the world would maybe be a better place if more people were their real self all the time, instead of putting your 'church self' on for Sunday, your 'work self' on for work days, your 'flirty self' on when it suits you, and your 'oooh, you're my friend!!' self when you really can't stand someone....I'm sure there are tons more personalities...and I could name 3 or 4 more when it comes to him...but I'm not here to bash him. I'm just here with questions....well, ONE question.
Is it really over?
I know that I won't get the answer from him. Not anytime in this century anyway. That's a tough question. Regular questions never were graced with answers, so I can't expect a hard question to get one. Instead....I'll be ignored...avoided at all cost. That's how I get answers. I have to just figure it out. I guess I can deal with it. Maybe if someone gets an answer to my question, they can just let me know.
Until then...I'm going to be waiting. Still loving him despite all. Still wanting to work it out. Wanting to share the next chapter in our lives together in bliss. I guess God will work this out in His time. One way or another. Patience is not one of my strong points....but I have an AWESOME GOD! A great job, great co-workers, an amazing son, and a loving family.
What more could I want...except just a simple answer to my question.
Is it really over?